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agentwilightplaylist title: together, we're at an equilibrium.
pairing: serin han/yang taeo.
universe: all we do is drive!
it is very rare for me to put my rp stuff in here, but i need to create a commentary or else i will just about die from feels. (also i am sick and might be delirious, but who cares? i will write about my and agnes' motorsports engineers and will never tire)
not @ me breaking down a playlist for a fictional couple at 3am, but listen, i'm in my feelings and the new maine album (which was released in august but i just got to now) has definitely fueled the serin and taeo feels and now i can't get out of it and i feel like if i don't do this i might implode??? man idk.
so first of all, 'together, we're at an equilibrium' is a work in progress and i don't think it will ever be done as long as i keep thinking about taeo and serin? these songs just cover all the mutual pining and their yearning for one another while being ultimately separated by adulthood and the difference in their dreams that makes it so raw. taeo and serin stick to my brain like glue and i'm afraid i will not be able to think about anything other than taeo and serin for a while.
and in my head, this is the playlist serin made for taeo. it's all the songs that made her thing of him, which coincidentally most of them are all semi-love songs. i wanted the subtle hint of pining mixed with reminiscing of the old days — which seems to be the only happy thing about serin and taeo these days because lord knows they are in an impasse. also, it's a huge deep dive into serin's music taste (which is the closest to mine irl, actually).
the general vibe that i had in mind for serin's playlist for taeo is the alternative-rock vibe that's somewhat reminiscent of an indie romance movie with natural lighting, natural dialogue that doesn't seem forced. the kind that would leave you thinking about the summer back when you were seventeen years old and holding hands with your best friend that you're also secretly in love with. i wanted to build a playlist that's rooted in nostalgia with catchy choruses that also sort of foreshadows growing apart in a way? like, what better way to explore their friendship + mutual pining other than songs that makes you think of running across the countryside with your hand in your best friend's hand?
track 001: cars & caution signs by the maine.
'all we do is drive' is a group set in the motorsports scene, and what better way to open this playlist than cars & caution signs? one thing that i will always attribute to serin and taeo's relationship is a car — maybe more so than wendy and jaeha's. in a way, serin and taeo are two cars in an empty highway. they could either tail each other, or drive beside one another. this song is very laid back with heavy guitar riffs that echoes and is panned perfectly across both ears. which in its form, is somewhat very fitting for serin and taeo whose lives sort of revolved around one another for most of their life? honestly, it sounds like the type of song they would listen to in their bedroom when they were sixteen. (however, the rp is set in 2023 and this song wasn't released until the 1st of august, 2023 so it would be a reach to claim it as a canon thing).
this song will be our escape soundtrack
let's drive to nowhere
and fade to black
i know that I don't have a plan
but I've got your hand
just under a gram and some dots on maps
let's drive to nowhere
and fade to black
i know that I don't have a plan
but I've got your hand
just under a gram and some dots on maps
THIS SONG WILL BE OUR ESCAPE SOUNDTRACK!!!!! listen, if there's anyone who desperately wants to escape the realities of things right now, it would be serin. she's always so driven and goal-oriented that the moment she'd stepped foot in formula one, she's absolutely a force to reckon with. i have no doubts that she will fix the sf24 and probably get ferrari to a good standing — but you see, being apart from taeo also took a huge toll on her? it's like she'd traded in a huge career opportunity for the person she longs to be with all the time and now all she thinks about is just living in their own little bubble once more.
the words "i know that i don't have a plan, but i've got your hand" just alludes to serin's immense faith in taeo, and her level of comfort around him. they could be driving to the edges of the earth together and she wouldn't mind as long as he is with her. i've said this before a thousand times, but taeo is literally serin's anchor. it doesn't matter where you put her, as long as he's with her, she'll be completely fine. though she did mess that up by moving to ferrari without so much as a word? and also by unintentionally making taeo insecure with where he's at? (agnes if you read this pls correct me if i'm wrong.)
i missed the exit
i went too fast
so send a postcard and i'll relax
"johnny you're alive
baby, you and I will be alright"
but we can't look back
i went too fast
so send a postcard and i'll relax
"johnny you're alive
baby, you and I will be alright"
but we can't look back
now this is, arguably, the angstiest part of this song which i feel like really matches serin and taeo quite well? "i missed the exit, i went too fast" it's definitely serin's viewpoint of the whole thing. these two lines possibly functions as a metaphor for serin's move to ferrari without looking back to see if taeo is still beside her, or if he's still keeping up. one thing that kills me with the both of them is how they always seem to be moving in different speeds at life. serin is always looking forward and forgets to live in the now, and i honestly think taeo is better in the latter than serin will ever be.
and the postcard! the message! "you're alive. baby, you and i will be alright." this is a very serin way of thinking? because despite her knowing that she was a horrible friend to taeo when she left for ferrari, she holds a hope in her heart that they will be okay eventually. for serin, she knows that she will always find her way back to him, and vice versa. so you know, she just holds onto the fact that their years of being with each other as best friends (and all those years of mutual pining that serin is oblivious to) will prevail over whatever issues they must overcome?
and then there's the 'we can't look back' line that just pretty much explains itself. serin always moves forward, and she obviously doesn't want to look back on this where they both aren't talking — or at least, stuck in this impasse where she doesn't know how to go about talking to taeo.
'cause we're only passing cars and caution signs
as you slowly crash your heart inside of mine
and we collide
as you slowly crash your heart inside of mine
and we collide
this chorus definitely has that nostalgia feel that i'm going for when it comes to making this playlist. especially since serin is somewhat a very melancholic person deep inside and does think about things like her childhood and what life was like back when it's easier and not as fast-paced as it is now. plus, there's the metaphor of cars! it's very fitting for taeo and serin who both work in formula one.
these three lines sort of implies serin's thoughts on them coming back to each other eventually. plus, isn't it a good background music to the penultimate serin and taeo reunion? (we have not plotted this yet, but it lingers in my mind like glue.) i can only think of serin smiling at taeo bore pulling him into a hug. the "i miss you" whispered into his ear as she pulls him in for a tight embrace. I AM SOBBING!
"don't pull over 'til we gеt back
to california," you say and laugh
you pretend you're cryin' in thе car
with new order on
like you were in high school skipping class
to california," you say and laugh
you pretend you're cryin' in thе car
with new order on
like you were in high school skipping class
HEAVY ON THE NOSTALGIA HERE. serin's mind works in such a way that she loves to look back despite always moving forward in light speed (yes, she moves forward faster than max verstappen — just in a different way and not in an f1 car). one of my favorite things about serin is that she does not forget where she came from? it doesn't necessarily mean she's always looking back, but she carries all her experiences with her as both a means of comforting herself, as well as a means to remind her that deep down, she's still that high school girl who only talked to her best friend and dreamed of fixing cars in an f1 garage.
also possible metaphors for this verse 3:
- "don't pull over 'til we get back" — serin probably asking taeo to trust the process, that they will eventually circle back to who they are and what they are like before everything else. for serin, her end and beginning somehow always has taeo in it? she thinks that by the day she's retired from formula one, she will still be lounging on taeo's couch talking about how annoying slow-walkers are or something.
- "you pretend you're cryin in the car with new order on like you were in high school skipping class" — not a metaphor but just heavy on the nostalgia. in my head, i think serin just sort of hangs out with taeo in her father's nissan skyline. maybe they skipped classes in that very car. perhaps its a car that holds so much memories for the both of them? with serin crying and being comforted by taeo there? which she believes they will eventually return to doing once things have settled between the two of them.
now i saved these two particular lyrics for last because there's just so much it could mean for serin and taeo.
this is a recurring line for most of the song that i just feel like... screams serin and taeo to me? also given that the playlist is made in serin's point of view, these lyrics just resonate with her in the sense that when she's with taeo, her mind shuts off and just lives in the 'now'. while she's always thinking about her future (as mentioned before), she manages to live completely in the moment when she is with her best friend. perhaps it's because she's so utterly in love with him, or maybe it's because taeo seems to be the only person who can calm her head down, but that's it. when serin is with him, there is no future nor past, there's only the present.
the outro of this song just does me in like a hook to a fish. essentially, this is the question serin asks herself whenever she sees taeo. "are we there yet?" as in have they both reached the point where they will circle back to each other? she asks this question in the hopes that they will stay together like they did before.
like this song is the opener mostly because of how heavy it is on the nostalgia, and it's one of the biggest emotions i've attributed to serin and taeo. serin these days is always looking back at their fondest memories, and literally just wants to get past whatever is happening to them right now in favor of being the serin and taeo of before.
this song makes me cry in the sense that i don't think i've ever heard anyone write about love in such an earnest, melancholic way that's so full of yearning and it's hard for me to not add this? also in serin's point of view, this song just sums up everything she feels about taeo — from the pining since she was in high school, to the pining to when she's in college in a place far away, and until now that they're on different teams and in different countries... it all just sums up serin's feelings. also as an avid the 1975 listener, she couldn't help but to attribute their most romantic song to him because she's just that whipped.
(also just a sidenote: i was today years old when i found out that this was co-produced by jack antonoff and now that i think about it, the musicality and production value does remind me of jack antonoff.)
also, musicality and form-wise, the abundance of reverb in this song just fits so well with the title? the reverb and the instrumentals sort of echoes through your head in a haunting way. i guess it's the reason why serin also added it to the playlist for taeo because no one lives in her mind the way that he does which leads us to:
the amount of pining in this song just kills me. anyways, there are no metaphors for this. it's literally what's serin's head is like whenever she misses taeo and thinks about him from all across europe in maranello. she's holding onto every single piece of him like a woman divorced because she's never been so far from him indefinitely. like, sure she went to yale for college and was essentially away from taeo at the time but she went back to england during her alpine internship, and she came to yale with the knowledge that she will come back to taeo.
the main difference between serin being apart from taeo in these two different points in her life is that when she was in college, she knows she'll return. now that she's in maranello, she absolutely has no idea when she will be able to come back to taeo and just stick to his side the way she did before: back when they were kids, back when they were in high school, back when they were both in alpine.
now without any other way of knowing what's in store for the future, serin just settles for pining from miles away and hoping that she wouldn't forget a single thing about him. and so she tries and tries to remember everything. the moment they first met, all those little fantasies in her head when she was younger of ending up with him that she'd somehow forced into the back of her head (yes, she did think of those when she was young because at the end of the day, regardless of how car-obsessed serin is; she was once a teenage girl who's so in love with her best friend that she constantly daydreams about them ending up together in her head), and all the times she'd spent with him especially back in high school.
oh my god these three lines in verse 2!!! it's so reminiscent of the taeo and serin para during monaco. serin hoping that taeo will always keep looking for her, or seeking her out, and serin always finding him. this part of the 2nd verse is just screaming everything in that thread. i know the title of that thread literally came from frank ocean's cover of strawberry swings, but i think the lyrics of this song fits the vibe of it more?
"wait and pretend" is definitely serin's thing too? in the sense that girl just loves pretending that everything's fine during their period of... not being okay. followed by "hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end" it's all of serin's innermost thoughts. i know serin is delulu about the ferrari car, but she is also delulu in her head, hoping that she and taeo will just go back to each other in the end.
if i could summarize the entire playlist in three lines, these three lines would be the most fitting for it.
(SIDENOTE: warren ellis, the guy who did the arrangement for this basically made it sound like "with or without you" by u2 but more dreamlike and weird just tickles my brain so well. the guitar riffs towards the bridge that's heavy on the reverb makes the u2 inspiration so obvious and idk why i just love it. especially because with or without you is one of the songs that i just love playing on the bass and guitar? hfjkdhfdkfd idk i'm rambling)
CARLY'S BRIDGE! honestly, when i first heard carly holt, i hoped that she is an indie artist with lots of songs. turns out they just made hann's wife sing for the record and now i'm just about ready to get on my knees for more music from carly holt. her haunting, dreamlike vocals just puts the icing on the cake on this seemingly weird, shoehorned, dreamlike, hazy, and haunting song. carly's voice is the glue that holds this song together. also the contrast of her voice with matty's!! it sounds so well, their voices just blend so well together!
anyways, back to the context of this commentary (aka i'm getting carried away again because my mind is running at light speed right now), this bridge is pretty much serin's brain when it comes to taeo. i'd break this down line by line but i feel like just going over it as a whole would be better? also this is also super long already and there's more tracks in the commentary. it's almost like i'm writing a research paper at this point.
in the context of serin and taeo, there's just a lot of things that serin loves about taeo that she couldn't list them down one by one. if anything, it would be easier to ask her if there are things she dislikes about him (which there are — human relationships work to for serin like that, like there will always be a con to the other person, like how all complex relationships are, however this doesn't diminish at all everything good within the relationship), and even if you ask her that very question, she'll only answer a few things: she hates that he won't let her drive, and she hates that he gets carsick easily because that means she can never get on the wheel when she's with him. in spite of all of that, serin will still gladly surrender her heart to him just because she knows that it belongs to him? or at least, that's what it feels like for her.
then the next few lines are just heavy on the pining which we all know is serin's specialty at this point.
despite this song being the 2nd in the playlist next to cars & caution signs, it's easily serin's favorite.
this song just sounds like a song straight out of an early 2000s romcom. serin added it mostly because it reminds her of "into your arms" by the maine (with those guitar chords in the background, it's so very obvious that they listened to the maine before creating this and i love that, and serin does too because the 1975 and the maine are among her favorite artists). also the song just vaguely alludes to falling in love with a friend who doesn't love you back, and for serin, that's what it's like between her and taeo so she's sort of just resorted to being content with being his best friend. will she still get jealous if some other girl flirts with taeo? yes, very much so, but she still thinks that she'll forever be stuck in the forever.
serin loves these lines so much because it's an accurate description of what it's like falling in love with taeo. it didn't happen all at once. it happened mostly in stages that built up over the years until she came to the realization that she's absolutely in love with her best friend. at this point, for serin, it feels like something she will feel and carry her whole life.
and these just allude to serin hoping that they will not stop being friends? also shows how she couldn't quite articulate her feelings for taeo because there's just so much history there and she's just so deeply in love with him that it's beyond words at this point. it's like that quote from jane austen's emma: "if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more." it's 100% serin in this situation.
i hc this as one of serin's favorite tracks of all time, especially since she loves glen check and i hc that one of her biggest celebrity crushes is kim june one (it doesn't help that krystal and kim june one collaborated in her one and only solo and that i can't get it out of my head). she probably went for this song just for the pure vibes? but also because it does give her that heavy nostalgia sound that just takes her back to her youth with taeo, which is honestly one of serin's favorite things to think about.
also the instrumental and the dreamy synths just gives the feeling of looking at each other in the dark with nothing but comfortable silence around you, being young once more and doing stupid things for the sake of being kids, first loves and humans' inherent ability to romanticize everything about first loves, and thinking about your first kiss with the person you like.
(if you caught on, a lot of these songs have these dreamlike, disjointed sounds and serin enjoys that a lot. it's the kind of music she listens to a lot and can't get enough of.)
i'm only putting the chorus in for this because the rest of the song is just serin being nostalgic and looking back on their youth once more. also, the chorus is the best part of the song with kang hyuk jun just going hard on the synths and creating one of the catchiest synth arrangements i've heard in my entire life.
the lyrics to this song has the elements of both nostalgia and pining and serin is just the both of them at the same time. i want to place a heavy emphasis on the lyrics "are we growing older together? i don't wanna miss anything when i'm dreaming about when we were dazed and confused" because these lines just hold all of serin's emotions in one. she looks back at their memories often because she misses him, yet at the same time, serin also wants to know if they are actually going to be able to brave through the hurdles of adulthood together. she wants to know if taeo will still be in her life when they're old and retired from the world of formula racing.
she also wants to be able to look back on their entire relationship over the years as best friends while being able to look forward to their future — both in anxiety and anticipation because while serin knows that her future in formula one is bright as a chief engineer, the element of mystery to her future that leaves her thinking all the time is taeo. he will forever be the number 1 mystery in her life (if he will be able to make it with her in her future together, or if they will go their separate ways) as well as the most familiar person in her life that she feels like she knows him better than she knows herself.
one of my headcanons about serin is that she can play the piano — not in the same way that wendy can play, because wendy is trained classically, serin just picked it up out of boredom and it stuck. like, one of my main hcs is that she's very good with putting her hands to work which is why she can tinker with parts easily, or which is why she can crochet so well. playing the piano is one of those things and she picked up pretty easily. now given that this song has a very nice, almost new wave-ish or ballad-ish sounding piano sound to it, it's one of the songs that serin loves to play on the piano. while she cannot sing, she just likes playing the entire piano along with the song on her speakers.
now in relation to taeo, this song is pretty much serin expressing her desire to just fix things between them? taeo is a large part of serin's life and now that serin is far away from him and they're barely even talking, it feels like she's missing a limb. which, definitely matches the lyrics of the song, especially the bridge which goes:
if that's not pining and regret at its finest, i don't know what is. also serin asking for chances? more likely than you think. she's yet to properly apologize for what she did, mostly because she wants to do it right, which ironically, also coincides with the chorus of the song:
this song just reflects serin's current thought process because while she and taeo weren't together in that way, she is in love with him and honestly just wants to stick to his side for however long he permits her to. it doesn't matter if its as a best friend or as a girlfriend. serin will be content with either so as long as she gets to be with taeo.
(also just another sidenote: i am so salty they never credited the pianist who created that amazing intro in genius? my theory is that it's either matty or jack antonoff — he produced this song along with the 1975 — did it, but it would be nice if they put it in the credits too? i might just buy the album just to see the credits.)
the title is self-explanatory. serin added this song to the playlist because of the title honestly, but also this song is one of the songs that's a bit heavier on the nostalgia. it doesn't sound as haunting as the 1975 ones, but it still sticks to her head because it's sort of like the background music she thinks about when reminiscing? it's one of those songs that gives off a coming-of-age romance movie. like, just picture driving around in an old car around the countryside and just having no destination in mind? the journey is the destination so-to-speak.
it's peak nostalgia, which the maine has been really good at creating, especially with the backing vocals during the outro. i picture serin and taeo laughing together doing some stupid shit teenage kids used to do together. serin looking back at taeo and smiling at him, and he smiles back. the song paints a clear picture inside my mind that's almost like a supercut of serin and taeo's timeline.
i'm not going to lie to you, this song is delulu, pining, and undoubtedly in love serin-coded. especially with these lyrics:
one of the things this outro reminds me of is the quote "i always find you. don't stop looking for me." from serin and taeo's thread. it's so parallel to the "yeah, i like the thought of you thinking of me" from the song. i think one of the reasons why serin added this song to the playlist, apart from the title itself, is that particular line. she likes thinking about taeo thinking about her in the same way she often reminisces about him.
i mean, essentially, the biggest part that i love about serin and taeo is the mutual pining and the slow burn that goes along with the best friends with an underlying hint of romance to it? like their future is pretty much left for plotting, but in serin's case, she still holds a lot of hope that it's them together in the end. so she just encourages these thoughts of taeo thinking about her, and she thinks about it all the time along with him.
then there's the outro of someone saying:
i'm pretty sure this is taken from another piece of media somewhere, but i couldn't figure out where it came from. i tried googling but nothing comes up? like it sounds like ross from friends, but i've never watched friends — only clips of it from the internet, so i have no idea if it's actually him.
anyways, serin's outlook in life is just pretty much going with the flow while moving forward in light speed. honestly, with taeo around, serin's mind just shuts off and she doesn't feel the need to plan as much? one of my friends in real life said this about falling in love: "i'll know i'm in love with someone if i can just stop thinking around them." and that's just so serin-coded? serin is a very independent girl, but she knows she can shut down that part of herself when taeo is around.
so if we're going by my friend's philosophy here, then yes, serin is very much in love with taeo and has been in love with him all these years.
another glen check song because serin loves glen check. she largely ignored the part where this is basically a song about someone you fell in love with at first sight because she and taeo have known each other for years, literally. it's one of those songs that have this dreamlike vibe to it that serin loves so much (the guitar riff being the main melody, along with the harmony of the background vocals in the back, add the reverbed piano in the background — all of these are serin's favorites in a song).
lyrics-wise the reason why serin added this to the playlist is pretty much simple. the chorus gets across everything she wants to say to taeo, but cannot:
i just want to emphasize the first line on this especially because serin and taeo are away from each other right now. so, yeah, serin adding this song for the chorus just because it coincides with her feelings for taeo is such a serin move.
now this song is a bit disconnected from the rest of the songs in the playlist in the sense that it's the only one with the retro-ish beats that reminds me of 80's pop songs with that funky synth, it also remind me a bit of walk the moon's songs. regardless, it has that melodic background vocals and guitar riffs that serin loves so much. plus, lyrically, it has some of the lyrics that matches serin and taeo. it's a bit of a turn from the sound of the 1975, the maine, and glen check, but the guitar somehow ties it up with the rest of them anyway which still makes this playlist cohesive.
as i've mentioned, the lyrics matches both serin and taeo and i'm going to get into them starting with the first verse:
i'm turning away from this playlist being made in serin's point of view for a moment and saying that this first verse feels like it's in taeo's point of view regarding serin. the lyrics don't delve much into pining the way the other songs in this playlist did, which honestly makes this song sort of like a sore thumb in a playlist filled with dreamlike and haunting songs — but still, this song still has that nostalgia to it so it still fits the brief.
but i just wanna touch on the lyrics, specifically the line "how do i reach that soul?" because it is evident that serin cannot express her emotions very well and taeo doesn't know how to express his own feelings to serin because she cannot show feelings very well and is just very awkward altogether. the words "how do i reach that soul?" is very much taeo to serin throughout the whole moving to ferrari stage in their lives.
i am afraid i was made to be able to fall apart
and disconnect like so
i keep my chest locked tight till the minute you come around
how did you reach my soul?
this second verse on the other hand, is the reason why serin added this apart from the nostalgic tone this song has. it has been established that serin sucks at making friends, and only ever really opened up to taeo because of their shared interests and their mutual dream of being in f1. until now, serin is still puzzled because she doesn't know what is it with taeo that made her open up to him even in her youth. her being antisocial is worse during her youth, so literally at some point in serin han's life, taeo is her only friend.
also i'm just going to connect this to the lyrics of about you by the 1975 specifically the bridge where carly sings: there is something 'bout you that now i can't remember. serin doesn't know what is it about taeo that allowed her to just let him into her life. like her not knowing how to make friends outside of work is something that's very heavily implied in threads and text messages across the group — so for serin to be so open and vulnerable to taeo is something of a mystery in itself.
taeo is just that powerful, honestly.
yet another song that's pretty dark and haunting? this song along with killer whales are just two of the songs that stick out like a sore thumb — but this one more so due to the lyricism of it? musicality and form-wise, it's still pretty cohesive with the rest of the songs due to the haunting synth and the heavy reverbs on the instrumental despite the absence of the guitars in it. though from all the songs in this playlist, this one has the darkest tone to it — both in the music itself, and the lyrics.
now i'm just gonna touch upon the lyrics because serin pretty much added this for the sake of expressing her thinking that her feelings are largely unrequited. there's a lot of metaphorical shit here that i would like to touch on and first one is this:
it's not so much that serin wants taeo to apologizes than her hoping that he's also feeling the same way after them falling out due to her move to ferrari. at the end of the day, serin wants her best friend back. the last line, however, pretty much sums up serin's thoughts on the whole matter of them getting together? i know i've implied that serin likes to think that they'd be together sometime in the future, but that thought is largely limited to them being best friends. sure she's had delulu thoughts about being taeo's girlfriend, but she also thinks it's very unrealistic because she thinks it's unrequited. hence this song being put in the playlist.
the lyrics turned super dark here and it probably gives whiplash BUT in serin's point of view it's just a metaphor of how she'd trust taeo with her life? like it's not so much that she'd actually let him k-word her (dark stuff like that are reserved for florence who's in ghosts), it's just a more twisted version of what peter kavinsky said to lara jean from to all the boys i've loved before: "break my heart. into a thousand pieces. do whatever you want" it's just like... a pretty twisted way of serin telling taeo that he can break her heart if he wishes to?
honestly, i'm so sad coasts never released anything beyond 2018. their songs are so good and well-crafted, though it's mostly leaning to a pop sound as opposed to being completely pop-rock or pop-punk. their songs still have a guitar to it, but there's also a bunch of other instruments that they add that the guitar sometimes fade into the background, but in a good way, of course! i've always loved diversity in instruments in the way songs are arranged.
anyways, we are back to those songs that's very nostalgic mixed with backing vocals that makes up a lot of the harmony. a typical serin song, if you will.
initially this 10th track is supposed to be you by coasts but i feel like white noise fits the serin and taeo dynamic more which i feel like would be better illustrated if i go into the lyrics. also timeline-wise, serin added this song to the playlist after the monaco party because let's be real, after she hugged taeo, i don't think she'll be able to think of anything else for the rest of the night.
starting off with the chorus, this song definitely played in serin's head the moment she saw taeo in monaco. like the lyrics just explain for themselves at this point. we get it, serin, you're in love with your best friend. jk. also the lines "everyone's dancing here, but its like we've disappeared" is definitely serin whenever she focuses her attention on taeo the moment she saw him in monaco? also these two lines remind me of out of the woods by taylor where she sang: '"the rest of the world is black and white, but we were in screaming colour."
again, taerin in monaco, and the out of the woods parallel with the last line. this song is probably the most situational one of them all, but i love it anyway? and so does serin. fhdkjhfkdj. i can just imagine her smoking outside and adding this to the playlist because of the way she felt while she's in monaco and taeo is there and it's the first time they've been in the same place together since she moved to maranello.
tldr: serin is pining for taeo in multiple ways. she's in love with her best friend. she's sorry for leaving him behind. she wants them to go back to the way they were.
if you've read this far thank you for reading my essay fhdjkfhddf.
forget the future, forget the past
this is a recurring line for most of the song that i just feel like... screams serin and taeo to me? also given that the playlist is made in serin's point of view, these lyrics just resonate with her in the sense that when she's with taeo, her mind shuts off and just lives in the 'now'. while she's always thinking about her future (as mentioned before), she manages to live completely in the moment when she is with her best friend. perhaps it's because she's so utterly in love with him, or maybe it's because taeo seems to be the only person who can calm her head down, but that's it. when serin is with him, there is no future nor past, there's only the present.
are we there yet?
are we there, are we there yet?
are we there yet?
are we there, tell me are we there?
are we there, are we there yet?
are we there yet?
are we there, tell me are we there?
the outro of this song just does me in like a hook to a fish. essentially, this is the question serin asks herself whenever she sees taeo. "are we there yet?" as in have they both reached the point where they will circle back to each other? she asks this question in the hopes that they will stay together like they did before.
like this song is the opener mostly because of how heavy it is on the nostalgia, and it's one of the biggest emotions i've attributed to serin and taeo. serin these days is always looking back at their fondest memories, and literally just wants to get past whatever is happening to them right now in favor of being the serin and taeo of before.
track 002: about you by the 1975.
this song makes me cry in the sense that i don't think i've ever heard anyone write about love in such an earnest, melancholic way that's so full of yearning and it's hard for me to not add this? also in serin's point of view, this song just sums up everything she feels about taeo — from the pining since she was in high school, to the pining to when she's in college in a place far away, and until now that they're on different teams and in different countries... it all just sums up serin's feelings. also as an avid the 1975 listener, she couldn't help but to attribute their most romantic song to him because she's just that whipped.
(also just a sidenote: i was today years old when i found out that this was co-produced by jack antonoff and now that i think about it, the musicality and production value does remind me of jack antonoff.)
also, musicality and form-wise, the abundance of reverb in this song just fits so well with the title? the reverb and the instrumentals sort of echoes through your head in a haunting way. i guess it's the reason why serin also added it to the playlist for taeo because no one lives in her mind the way that he does which leads us to:
i know a place
it's somewhere I go when I need to remember your face
we get married in our heads
something to do while we try to recall how we met
it's somewhere I go when I need to remember your face
we get married in our heads
something to do while we try to recall how we met
the amount of pining in this song just kills me. anyways, there are no metaphors for this. it's literally what's serin's head is like whenever she misses taeo and thinks about him from all across europe in maranello. she's holding onto every single piece of him like a woman divorced because she's never been so far from him indefinitely. like, sure she went to yale for college and was essentially away from taeo at the time but she went back to england during her alpine internship, and she came to yale with the knowledge that she will come back to taeo.
the main difference between serin being apart from taeo in these two different points in her life is that when she was in college, she knows she'll return. now that she's in maranello, she absolutely has no idea when she will be able to come back to taeo and just stick to his side the way she did before: back when they were kids, back when they were in high school, back when they were both in alpine.
now without any other way of knowing what's in store for the future, serin just settles for pining from miles away and hoping that she wouldn't forget a single thing about him. and so she tries and tries to remember everything. the moment they first met, all those little fantasies in her head when she was younger of ending up with him that she'd somehow forced into the back of her head (yes, she did think of those when she was young because at the end of the day, regardless of how car-obsessed serin is; she was once a teenage girl who's so in love with her best friend that she constantly daydreams about them ending up together in her head), and all the times she'd spent with him especially back in high school.
wait (don't let go)
and pretend (don't let go, oh)
hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end (In the end)
and pretend (don't let go, oh)
hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end (In the end)
oh my god these three lines in verse 2!!! it's so reminiscent of the taeo and serin para during monaco. serin hoping that taeo will always keep looking for her, or seeking her out, and serin always finding him. this part of the 2nd verse is just screaming everything in that thread. i know the title of that thread literally came from frank ocean's cover of strawberry swings, but i think the lyrics of this song fits the vibe of it more?
"wait and pretend" is definitely serin's thing too? in the sense that girl just loves pretending that everything's fine during their period of... not being okay. followed by "hold on and hope that we'll find our way back in the end" it's all of serin's innermost thoughts. i know serin is delulu about the ferrari car, but she is also delulu in her head, hoping that she and taeo will just go back to each other in the end.
if i could summarize the entire playlist in three lines, these three lines would be the most fitting for it.
(SIDENOTE: warren ellis, the guy who did the arrangement for this basically made it sound like "with or without you" by u2 but more dreamlike and weird just tickles my brain so well. the guitar riffs towards the bridge that's heavy on the reverb makes the u2 inspiration so obvious and idk why i just love it. especially because with or without you is one of the songs that i just love playing on the bass and guitar? hfjkdhfdkfd idk i'm rambling)
and there was something about you that now i can't remember
it's the same damn thing that made my heart surrender
and i'll miss you on a train, i'll miss you in the mornin'
i never know what to think about
i think about you (don't let go)
about you (don't let go)
it's the same damn thing that made my heart surrender
and i'll miss you on a train, i'll miss you in the mornin'
i never know what to think about
i think about you (don't let go)
about you (don't let go)
CARLY'S BRIDGE! honestly, when i first heard carly holt, i hoped that she is an indie artist with lots of songs. turns out they just made hann's wife sing for the record and now i'm just about ready to get on my knees for more music from carly holt. her haunting, dreamlike vocals just puts the icing on the cake on this seemingly weird, shoehorned, dreamlike, hazy, and haunting song. carly's voice is the glue that holds this song together. also the contrast of her voice with matty's!! it sounds so well, their voices just blend so well together!
anyways, back to the context of this commentary (aka i'm getting carried away again because my mind is running at light speed right now), this bridge is pretty much serin's brain when it comes to taeo. i'd break this down line by line but i feel like just going over it as a whole would be better? also this is also super long already and there's more tracks in the commentary. it's almost like i'm writing a research paper at this point.
in the context of serin and taeo, there's just a lot of things that serin loves about taeo that she couldn't list them down one by one. if anything, it would be easier to ask her if there are things she dislikes about him (which there are — human relationships work to for serin like that, like there will always be a con to the other person, like how all complex relationships are, however this doesn't diminish at all everything good within the relationship), and even if you ask her that very question, she'll only answer a few things: she hates that he won't let her drive, and she hates that he gets carsick easily because that means she can never get on the wheel when she's with him. in spite of all of that, serin will still gladly surrender her heart to him just because she knows that it belongs to him? or at least, that's what it feels like for her.
then the next few lines are just heavy on the pining which we all know is serin's specialty at this point.
despite this song being the 2nd in the playlist next to cars & caution signs, it's easily serin's favorite.
track 003: me & you together song by the 1975.
this song just sounds like a song straight out of an early 2000s romcom. serin added it mostly because it reminds her of "into your arms" by the maine (with those guitar chords in the background, it's so very obvious that they listened to the maine before creating this and i love that, and serin does too because the 1975 and the maine are among her favorite artists). also the song just vaguely alludes to falling in love with a friend who doesn't love you back, and for serin, that's what it's like between her and taeo so she's sort of just resorted to being content with being his best friend. will she still get jealous if some other girl flirts with taeo? yes, very much so, but she still thinks that she'll forever be stuck in the forever.
i've been in love with her for ages
and I can't seem to get it right
i fell in love with her in stages
my whole life
and I can't seem to get it right
i fell in love with her in stages
my whole life
serin loves these lines so much because it's an accurate description of what it's like falling in love with taeo. it didn't happen all at once. it happened mostly in stages that built up over the years until she came to the realization that she's absolutely in love with her best friend. at this point, for serin, it feels like something she will feel and carry her whole life.
and there's been no way for me to say
that I felt a certain way
in stages, oh
i think the story needs more pages, yes
that I felt a certain way
in stages, oh
i think the story needs more pages, yes
and these just allude to serin hoping that they will not stop being friends? also shows how she couldn't quite articulate her feelings for taeo because there's just so much history there and she's just so deeply in love with him that it's beyond words at this point. it's like that quote from jane austen's emma: "if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more." it's 100% serin in this situation.
track 004: dazed and confused by glen check.
i hc this as one of serin's favorite tracks of all time, especially since she loves glen check and i hc that one of her biggest celebrity crushes is kim june one (it doesn't help that krystal and kim june one collaborated in her one and only solo and that i can't get it out of my head). she probably went for this song just for the pure vibes? but also because it does give her that heavy nostalgia sound that just takes her back to her youth with taeo, which is honestly one of serin's favorite things to think about.
also the instrumental and the dreamy synths just gives the feeling of looking at each other in the dark with nothing but comfortable silence around you, being young once more and doing stupid things for the sake of being kids, first loves and humans' inherent ability to romanticize everything about first loves, and thinking about your first kiss with the person you like.
(if you caught on, a lot of these songs have these dreamlike, disjointed sounds and serin enjoys that a lot. it's the kind of music she listens to a lot and can't get enough of.)
we used to break it together
we used to dive in our highest feelings
are we growing older together?
i don't wanna miss anything when i'm dreaming
about when we were dazed and confused
we used to dive in our highest feelings
are we growing older together?
i don't wanna miss anything when i'm dreaming
about when we were dazed and confused
i'm only putting the chorus in for this because the rest of the song is just serin being nostalgic and looking back on their youth once more. also, the chorus is the best part of the song with kang hyuk jun just going hard on the synths and creating one of the catchiest synth arrangements i've heard in my entire life.
the lyrics to this song has the elements of both nostalgia and pining and serin is just the both of them at the same time. i want to place a heavy emphasis on the lyrics "are we growing older together? i don't wanna miss anything when i'm dreaming about when we were dazed and confused" because these lines just hold all of serin's emotions in one. she looks back at their memories often because she misses him, yet at the same time, serin also wants to know if they are actually going to be able to brave through the hurdles of adulthood together. she wants to know if taeo will still be in her life when they're old and retired from the world of formula racing.
she also wants to be able to look back on their entire relationship over the years as best friends while being able to look forward to their future — both in anxiety and anticipation because while serin knows that her future in formula one is bright as a chief engineer, the element of mystery to her future that leaves her thinking all the time is taeo. he will forever be the number 1 mystery in her life (if he will be able to make it with her in her future together, or if they will go their separate ways) as well as the most familiar person in her life that she feels like she knows him better than she knows herself.
track 005: oh caroline by the 1975.
one of my headcanons about serin is that she can play the piano — not in the same way that wendy can play, because wendy is trained classically, serin just picked it up out of boredom and it stuck. like, one of my main hcs is that she's very good with putting her hands to work which is why she can tinker with parts easily, or which is why she can crochet so well. playing the piano is one of those things and she picked up pretty easily. now given that this song has a very nice, almost new wave-ish or ballad-ish sounding piano sound to it, it's one of the songs that serin loves to play on the piano. while she cannot sing, she just likes playing the entire piano along with the song on her speakers.
now in relation to taeo, this song is pretty much serin expressing her desire to just fix things between them? taeo is a large part of serin's life and now that serin is far away from him and they're barely even talking, it feels like she's missing a limb. which, definitely matches the lyrics of the song, especially the bridge which goes:
just give me one more chance tonight
'cause i don't want to waste my life without you, baby
no, i don't want to waste my life without you, baby
'cause i don't want to waste my life without you, baby
no, i don't want to waste my life without you, baby
if that's not pining and regret at its finest, i don't know what is. also serin asking for chances? more likely than you think. she's yet to properly apologize for what she did, mostly because she wants to do it right, which ironically, also coincides with the chorus of the song:
oh-oh, caroline
i wanna get it right this time
'cause you're always on my mind (You're always on my mind)
i wanna get it right this time
'cause you're always on my mind (You're always on my mind)
this song just reflects serin's current thought process because while she and taeo weren't together in that way, she is in love with him and honestly just wants to stick to his side for however long he permits her to. it doesn't matter if its as a best friend or as a girlfriend. serin will be content with either so as long as she gets to be with taeo.
(also just another sidenote: i am so salty they never credited the pianist who created that amazing intro in genius? my theory is that it's either matty or jack antonoff — he produced this song along with the 1975 — did it, but it would be nice if they put it in the credits too? i might just buy the album just to see the credits.)
track 006: i think about you all the time by the maine.
the title is self-explanatory. serin added this song to the playlist because of the title honestly, but also this song is one of the songs that's a bit heavier on the nostalgia. it doesn't sound as haunting as the 1975 ones, but it still sticks to her head because it's sort of like the background music she thinks about when reminiscing? it's one of those songs that gives off a coming-of-age romance movie. like, just picture driving around in an old car around the countryside and just having no destination in mind? the journey is the destination so-to-speak.
it's peak nostalgia, which the maine has been really good at creating, especially with the backing vocals during the outro. i picture serin and taeo laughing together doing some stupid shit teenage kids used to do together. serin looking back at taeo and smiling at him, and he smiles back. the song paints a clear picture inside my mind that's almost like a supercut of serin and taeo's timeline.
i'm not going to lie to you, this song is delulu, pining, and undoubtedly in love serin-coded. especially with these lyrics:
yeah, i like the thought of you thinking of me
yeah, i like the thought of you thinking of me
yeah, i like the thought of you thinking of me
in chicago rain when we walked the streets
and the skyline looked like a movie scene
you're the only thing that's always on my mind
i think about you all the time
yeah, i like the thought of you thinking of me
yeah, i like the thought of you thinking of me
in chicago rain when we walked the streets
and the skyline looked like a movie scene
you're the only thing that's always on my mind
i think about you all the time
one of the things this outro reminds me of is the quote "i always find you. don't stop looking for me." from serin and taeo's thread. it's so parallel to the "yeah, i like the thought of you thinking of me" from the song. i think one of the reasons why serin added this song to the playlist, apart from the title itself, is that particular line. she likes thinking about taeo thinking about her in the same way she often reminisces about him.
i mean, essentially, the biggest part that i love about serin and taeo is the mutual pining and the slow burn that goes along with the best friends with an underlying hint of romance to it? like their future is pretty much left for plotting, but in serin's case, she still holds a lot of hope that it's them together in the end. so she just encourages these thoughts of taeo thinking about her, and she thinks about it all the time along with him.
then there's the outro of someone saying:
I don't need a plan if I've got your hand
I don't need a plan if I've got your hand
I don't need a plan if I've got your hand
i'm pretty sure this is taken from another piece of media somewhere, but i couldn't figure out where it came from. i tried googling but nothing comes up? like it sounds like ross from friends, but i've never watched friends — only clips of it from the internet, so i have no idea if it's actually him.
anyways, serin's outlook in life is just pretty much going with the flow while moving forward in light speed. honestly, with taeo around, serin's mind just shuts off and she doesn't feel the need to plan as much? one of my friends in real life said this about falling in love: "i'll know i'm in love with someone if i can just stop thinking around them." and that's just so serin-coded? serin is a very independent girl, but she knows she can shut down that part of herself when taeo is around.
so if we're going by my friend's philosophy here, then yes, serin is very much in love with taeo and has been in love with him all these years.
track 007: waves by glen check.
another glen check song because serin loves glen check. she largely ignored the part where this is basically a song about someone you fell in love with at first sight because she and taeo have known each other for years, literally. it's one of those songs that have this dreamlike vibe to it that serin loves so much (the guitar riff being the main melody, along with the harmony of the background vocals in the back, add the reverbed piano in the background — all of these are serin's favorites in a song).
lyrics-wise the reason why serin added this to the playlist is pretty much simple. the chorus gets across everything she wants to say to taeo, but cannot:
whatever miles away
i want you to know
the feeling, the feeling of my love wave over you
i want you to know
the feeling, the feeling of my love wave over you
love wave over you
love wave over you
i want you to know
the feeling, the feeling of my love wave over you
i want you to know
the feeling, the feeling of my love wave over you
love wave over you
love wave over you
i just want to emphasize the first line on this especially because serin and taeo are away from each other right now. so, yeah, serin adding this song for the chorus just because it coincides with her feelings for taeo is such a serin move.
track 008: killer whales by smallpools.
now this song is a bit disconnected from the rest of the songs in the playlist in the sense that it's the only one with the retro-ish beats that reminds me of 80's pop songs with that funky synth, it also remind me a bit of walk the moon's songs. regardless, it has that melodic background vocals and guitar riffs that serin loves so much. plus, lyrically, it has some of the lyrics that matches serin and taeo. it's a bit of a turn from the sound of the 1975, the maine, and glen check, but the guitar somehow ties it up with the rest of them anyway which still makes this playlist cohesive.
as i've mentioned, the lyrics matches both serin and taeo and i'm going to get into them starting with the first verse:
submissive tone
you can play like you're willing to fall apart
but could you let this go?
you keep your bones outstretched till the minute i turn around
how do I reach that soul?
you can play like you're willing to fall apart
but could you let this go?
you keep your bones outstretched till the minute i turn around
how do I reach that soul?
i'm turning away from this playlist being made in serin's point of view for a moment and saying that this first verse feels like it's in taeo's point of view regarding serin. the lyrics don't delve much into pining the way the other songs in this playlist did, which honestly makes this song sort of like a sore thumb in a playlist filled with dreamlike and haunting songs — but still, this song still has that nostalgia to it so it still fits the brief.
but i just wanna touch on the lyrics, specifically the line "how do i reach that soul?" because it is evident that serin cannot express her emotions very well and taeo doesn't know how to express his own feelings to serin because she cannot show feelings very well and is just very awkward altogether. the words "how do i reach that soul?" is very much taeo to serin throughout the whole moving to ferrari stage in their lives.
i am afraid i was made to be able to fall apart
and disconnect like so
i keep my chest locked tight till the minute you come around
how did you reach my soul?
this second verse on the other hand, is the reason why serin added this apart from the nostalgic tone this song has. it has been established that serin sucks at making friends, and only ever really opened up to taeo because of their shared interests and their mutual dream of being in f1. until now, serin is still puzzled because she doesn't know what is it with taeo that made her open up to him even in her youth. her being antisocial is worse during her youth, so literally at some point in serin han's life, taeo is her only friend.
also i'm just going to connect this to the lyrics of about you by the 1975 specifically the bridge where carly sings: there is something 'bout you that now i can't remember. serin doesn't know what is it about taeo that allowed her to just let him into her life. like her not knowing how to make friends outside of work is something that's very heavily implied in threads and text messages across the group — so for serin to be so open and vulnerable to taeo is something of a mystery in itself.
taeo is just that powerful, honestly.
track 009: *unrealistic love/us.wav by jet black alley cat.
yet another song that's pretty dark and haunting? this song along with killer whales are just two of the songs that stick out like a sore thumb — but this one more so due to the lyricism of it? musicality and form-wise, it's still pretty cohesive with the rest of the songs due to the haunting synth and the heavy reverbs on the instrumental despite the absence of the guitars in it. though from all the songs in this playlist, this one has the darkest tone to it — both in the music itself, and the lyrics.
now i'm just gonna touch upon the lyrics because serin pretty much added this for the sake of expressing her thinking that her feelings are largely unrequited. there's a lot of metaphorical shit here that i would like to touch on and first one is this:
can you come running back to my arms?
say you're sorry and you never moved on
made me believe that i am enough
or is it unrealistic love?
say you're sorry and you never moved on
made me believe that i am enough
or is it unrealistic love?
it's not so much that serin wants taeo to apologizes than her hoping that he's also feeling the same way after them falling out due to her move to ferrari. at the end of the day, serin wants her best friend back. the last line, however, pretty much sums up serin's thoughts on the whole matter of them getting together? i know i've implied that serin likes to think that they'd be together sometime in the future, but that thought is largely limited to them being best friends. sure she's had delulu thoughts about being taeo's girlfriend, but she also thinks it's very unrealistic because she thinks it's unrequited. hence this song being put in the playlist.
oh, you can press you hands around my neck
and squeeze me till my face is red
'til i ain't got no oxygen
and squeeze me till my face is red
'til i ain't got no oxygen
the lyrics turned super dark here and it probably gives whiplash BUT in serin's point of view it's just a metaphor of how she'd trust taeo with her life? like it's not so much that she'd actually let him k-word her (dark stuff like that are reserved for florence who's in ghosts), it's just a more twisted version of what peter kavinsky said to lara jean from to all the boys i've loved before: "break my heart. into a thousand pieces. do whatever you want" it's just like... a pretty twisted way of serin telling taeo that he can break her heart if he wishes to?
track 010: white noise by coasts.
honestly, i'm so sad coasts never released anything beyond 2018. their songs are so good and well-crafted, though it's mostly leaning to a pop sound as opposed to being completely pop-rock or pop-punk. their songs still have a guitar to it, but there's also a bunch of other instruments that they add that the guitar sometimes fade into the background, but in a good way, of course! i've always loved diversity in instruments in the way songs are arranged.
anyways, we are back to those songs that's very nostalgic mixed with backing vocals that makes up a lot of the harmony. a typical serin song, if you will.
initially this 10th track is supposed to be you by coasts but i feel like white noise fits the serin and taeo dynamic more which i feel like would be better illustrated if i go into the lyrics. also timeline-wise, serin added this song to the playlist after the monaco party because let's be real, after she hugged taeo, i don't think she'll be able to think of anything else for the rest of the night.
under the midnight sky
i see you for the first time
and when the night is through
i'll still be falling for you
everyone's dancing here
but its like we've disappeared
and when the night is through
i'll still be falling for you
i see you for the first time
and when the night is through
i'll still be falling for you
everyone's dancing here
but its like we've disappeared
and when the night is through
i'll still be falling for you
starting off with the chorus, this song definitely played in serin's head the moment she saw taeo in monaco. like the lyrics just explain for themselves at this point. we get it, serin, you're in love with your best friend. jk. also the lines "everyone's dancing here, but its like we've disappeared" is definitely serin whenever she focuses her attention on taeo the moment she saw him in monaco? also these two lines remind me of out of the woods by taylor where she sang: '"the rest of the world is black and white, but we were in screaming colour."
i've been waiting this whole night
i've been waiting this whole damn night for you
everything is just white noise
everything is just white noise but you
i've been waiting this whole damn night for you
everything is just white noise
everything is just white noise but you
again, taerin in monaco, and the out of the woods parallel with the last line. this song is probably the most situational one of them all, but i love it anyway? and so does serin. fhdkjhfkdj. i can just imagine her smoking outside and adding this to the playlist because of the way she felt while she's in monaco and taeo is there and it's the first time they've been in the same place together since she moved to maranello.
tldr: serin is pining for taeo in multiple ways. she's in love with her best friend. she's sorry for leaving him behind. she wants them to go back to the way they were.
if you've read this far thank you for reading my essay fhdjkfhddf.
